KaytlynGirl

Sending My Love & Moving Right Along (vii)

Reputation. 

I heard this word so many times when I was little.

Always “protect” my reputation. Always “defend” my reputation. Always indirectly demand people to see me as a girl with a “good” reputation from others. Perfectionism at its finest. 

Letting this sink in, is comforting. Tears are brought to my eyes at the thought that I can be completely vulnerable with this man. I do not have have to defend my reputation. I do not have to demand for him to see my reputation as “good”. I do not have to choose perfectionism. I do not have to protect my reputation. What a relief. 

I can feel the breathing down my neck regarding how much “my reputation” will effect the rest of my life. Those very words are embedded in my flesh, and I was not even aware of it, until now. 

Cheers to this man who protects my very being. I no longer have to fight for myself, for I only have to be silent. 

2 days. I am graduating. My family has started arriving. I am blessed. I feel loved, honoured, and encouraged in so many ways. May I lean into the emotions of this season. I choose to not callous my heart, I am asking him to soften this hard heart, so that I may feel… 

I have a favor for the fellow readers & friends: Ask Abba to soften my heart… :)

Sending My Love & Moving Right Along,

The LadyBug 

Sending My Love & Moving Right Along (vi)

Today —- I simply feel like time is in slow motion, yet going by so fast. 

I am frozen. I am left wondering. Anything I do or do not do, will not prevent time stopping or standing still. What’s done is done is done is done.

Transitional seasons are weird: joyful & painful, sweet & sour, letting go & grabbing ahold. 

Joy, would you consume my heart. Would you rid any other that is stealing the show. I will surrender to you. I choose to surrender to you. I choose to surrender to love today. I choose to surrender to the greater. I will not go down without fighting, even if that means I end up dying. You are not fearful, you are love. Open my eyes to your love. Does it really exist? Is it  truly there or is it too good to be true? I want to believe you, oh I do, but the world spills out invasive and empty truth. I’m looking for you. I will surrender, even though I cannot see you, feel you, understand you. I will be lying on the side of the road,  until I see your face, & awakened by grace. 

Sending My Love & Moving Right Along,

     The LadyBug

Sending My Love & Moving Right Along (v)

Is it possible? Realistically? Logically? Are we allowed to dream or does society set us up to reach far enough until we are one breath short of our dream becoming a reality? Is it selfish or selfless to dream? The heartbeat of humanity seems to become mundane, colourless, and dim in regards to the life of dreaming. Is dreaming a foolish act that only children can partake in? 

If that is the case, I want to be a child. I want to be child with dreams that can surpass any human understanding. I am frantically searching for a hope that says it is alright for me to dream. Please, would you give me permission to dream? Growing up dreaming, I have come to realize it is in my very fabric and frame for me to dream. I want to be full of colour and life. I would rather be found foolish in the eyes of man, than be found faithless in the eyes of my creator. 

You know me better than anyone. Who am I? How far am I allowed to go? Is it possible to dream selflessly? Is it possible to love and dream within the same rhythmic beat…? I do not want to sacrifice one without the other. I want to love you, them, and any person that may come across this path. I don’t want to turn a blind eye; I want to run against the wind, current, and cultural norms. To be honest, the barriers are tiring, would you help me push them over? Dreaming is exhausting. Yet, dreaming teaches me to surrender. Would you give me a passion, allowing me to keep reaching beyond my reality? Would you give me a passion, allowing me to keep reaching beyond the physical existence around me? 

I become short of breath, thinking about being trapped within my barriers and boundaries. I have been told that your boundaries have fallen in pleasant places for humanity. I am pleading with every ounce of disparity, angst, and life that is left in me, please keep your eye on me.

I want to dream. Is that alright? Am I allowed?  Please, give me permission to dream.

Sending My Love & Moving Right Along,

    The LadyBug